One of my male students asked me to help him find a girlfriend. He's 30, not bad looking, well-built, financially stable and is open-minded. Race and nationality is not an issue as long as she's well-mannered and physically pleasant-looking. He said his standards in a woman are not really high. He's a reasonable guy so it was puzzling for me why he would need my help to find a girlfriend.
My student's situation, according to him, is not uncommon in Japanese society. A lot of Japanese men nowadays have a hard time finding a girlfriend. In our discussion, we brainstormed why he and other Japanese men are "girlfriendlless." It was interesting how he and I- as a woman, saw things differently.
He said: He has no opportunity to meet women.
I said: He does not know how to grab or make an opportunity to meet women.
My student works from Monday to Friday as a freelance consultant, teacher and agent. Unlike other men, he doesn't have a permanent workplace where he can establish relationships with female coworkers. However, he has weekends when he can go out and meet women. Problem is he choose to stay at home on weekends tinkering with stuff and playing video games. He told me that a lot of his friends also set him up on dates but he doesn't like the pressure that goes with it. He is a member of a community group but it is an all-male club. Obviously his lifestyle does not seem to welcome opportunities to meet women.
(More on Japanese culture, here.)
He said: He has no time to meet and date women.
I said: He just does not know how to make time for women.
With his various jobs, my student seems to be busy man with no time for courtship. He said that dating women will take his precious time away from his job. I told him that he does not have to spend a whole day to date a woman. Lunch or dinner on workdays is acceptable. A three-hour date is not impossible on a Saturday or Sunday. Dating doesn't have to be an everyday thing. A short email, phone call or text message are sweet gestures that can warm him to a woman. I think Japanese men like him have big elaborate ideas on dating that can be demanding on time and money. Instead of making dating simpler, he just choose to not do it altogether.
He said: He does not want to date women who will not end up as his girlfriend or wife.
I said: He should consider dating as a trial period.
As I have said I think Japanese men have elaborate ideas in dating including its gravity. When a Japanese man dates a Japanese woman, it is expected that they will be a couple. In effect, Japanese men are pressured to date only women who they seriously like. The problem with this is that men and women in Japan have limited interactions that it is hard to develop a "serious likeness" to someone. I told him to change his mindset on dating. A first date should be like a trial to see if you like the other person. If the first date works, then go out for another one. If not, say goodbye and thank you.
He said: His looks are not popular to Japanese women.
I said: His looks is not the problem, it's the type of women he pursues.
Finally I understood why Japanese men look feminine. My student said that Japanese women swoon to men with feminine and soft looks. I personally find these feminine-looking Japanese men repulsive. They look so vain and weak and I wouldn't want my boyfriend to look prettier than me. On the other hand, my student looks manly with cropped hair uncommon in Japanese men. He likes the way he looks. I told him that most women would find him attractive or acceptable at the very least and that he shouldn't change his looks. He should go out instead and find women who would appreciate his form. I reasoned out that more than half of the female world population appreciates men with manly looks. The Japanese women who prefers soft-looking men does not even comprise a quarter of it. In effect, he has a high chance of getting a girlfriend without resorting to female-looking male.
(For more on Japanese society, click here.)
He said: He's role in his family makes him unappealing to women.
I said: Again, his role is not the problem but the women he pursues.
Being a firstborn son in Japan entails social responsibilities. My student said that most Japanese women do not like to marry firstborn son because of the social pressure that comes with it. I told him that not all women think that way. He just have to find the woman who would be up to the challenge. Also, if a woman likes him enough, his role as the eldest son is a small matter, I think.
In my opinion, the social pressure attached to dating and men hinders Japanese men (and women) to explore possible relationships. There seems to be an ever-present fear of not meeting up to social expectations that they end up not doing things instead. As a result, here's my Japanese student asking me to do half of the work so he can have a girlfriend.
PS: If you're interested to meet him, PM me. :) This is serious.
